Why is defensiveness so damaging to our relationships? As one of my personal mental health heroes, Dr. Harriet Lerner, would say, “Defensiveness is the nemesis of listening.”

Why? Because you can't be defensive and listen at the same time.

It's impossible. There are different levels at which you can be defensive, and there are many reasons why some people are more defensive than others.

It has so much to do with the home you grew up in and the behavior you saw modeled as a child. Questions to guide you:

— When problems or conflicts arose, what types of behavior did you witness?
— How did your parents or caregivers communicate? With another? With you?
— Did you grow up in a very authoritarian family?
— If you made a mistake, how was it handled? Was it a big deal?
— You may have grown up in circumstances where it was normal for you to be defensive or always on guard to protect yourself. If your childhood environment was chaotic, frightening, or dangerous and your mistakes or behavior had serious consequences, it makes sense that defensiveness becomes part of your self-preservation strategy.

If you grew up in a very strict household, it might even have been natural for you to lie to get out of trouble. The child in you would benefit from giving yourself some grace as to why you did what you had to do to avoid pain or punishment.

In all my years of practice and research, I have learned that having the most effective communication makes the deepest, most vibrant, healthiest, and most loving relationships thrive.

Effective communication is something I'm extremely passionate about, so this week I'm going to discuss defensiveness, how we can increase our awareness around it, and how we can prevent it from blocking our greatest potential in all our relationships.

Do you want to dive deeper? My friend Mark Groves and I took a three-hour workshop on transforming the way you communicate in every area of life. Get scripts, tools, and guidance to gracefully navigate challenging discussions, address misunderstandings, and develop a happier, healthier approach to communication: https://crushingcommunication.com/

Download the free guide that accompanies this video: https://terricole.com/effective-communication-tips-guide/

*TIMESTAMPS:*
0:00 – Introduction
0:37 – What is being /"defensive/"?
1:43 – Why are some of us so defensive? My personal example
5:22 – Why defensive behavior is bad for our relationships
7:06 – The connection between criticism and defensiveness
8:37 – Tips to clear your side of the street and rid yourself of this dynamic
15:30 – Why it's important to become an active listener

*RELATED VIDEOS:*
https://youtu.be/xpkjFkhK6tg – How to communicate effectively during conflict without making it worse
https://youtu.be/thPuQxYeWw0 – 7 strategies to stop being so defensive
https://youtu.be/zEw9I9lyb6g – How to communicate in conflict
https://youtu.be/SArj4a4jSec – Setting boundaries with someone who is defensive
https://youtu.be/H7gmwfqTWpM – Boundary script for argument propagation
https://youtu.be/F1qgk5Z1Y0k – Managing Passive-Aggressive Behavior

*ABOUT TERRI COLE:*
Terri Cole is a certified psychotherapist and world-leading expert on women's empowerment. She has the gift of making complex psychological concepts accessible and then actionable, so that clients and students achieve sustainable change. She supports over 250,000 people every week through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, Real Love Revolution and Boundary Bootcamp, her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. She is also the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free (April 2021)

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*SOURCES:*
BetterHelp: https://betterhelp.com/terricole I no longer offer one-on-one coaching/therapy sessions, but highly recommend using BetterHelp to find a therapist that fits your needs.

As a team, we have fully vetted BetterHelp's resources. If you choose to sign up for Better Help's service, I will receive a commission on the referral, but please know that I only recommend services I know and trust.

My book, Boundary Boss: https://boundarybossbook.com & The Boundary Boss Workbook: https://boundarybossworkbook.com

Boundary Bootcamp, my signature 8-week course, carefully crafted to take you to the next level of empowerment in all your personal professional relationships using positive and proactive boundary skills that no one has ever taught you. So far: https://terricole.com/boundarybootcamp

https://www.terricole.com/gethelp/ — If you are in crisis or another person is in danger, the resources on this page can provide you with immediate help.

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